Finding Closure

In the midst of the past few days, I've been struggling to find closure with my friend, Joe's suicide. I've shared emails with his sister and his friends. I've shared with my aunt, my pastor, and a couple close friends. I think that while I talked and shared, what I was really searching for was an answer to the very basic question: WHY??

Joe's co-worker, Kari, and I have been exchanging emails quite a bit. I received an email from a friend of Joe's who wasn't on that fateful email notification. In all of it, I learned tidbits of information that I didn't know about Joe. I didn't know that Dickens, his beloved cat, died of heatstroke, after Joe attempted to cure him with home remedies. I didn't know that the same vet told him that he'd killed his own cat. I didn't know that while taking the train one day, he'd been assaulted. That he was beaten up badly. I didn't know that he'd been laid off from St. Baldricks, and that he'd found new work, but he didn't like it at all. I didn't know that he served several years in the Irish military. These and various other facts; all things I didn't know.

So why did Joe put my name on that email? Why did God fate me to cross paths with this person? I believe that people are put into you life for a reason, so what was his reasoning in crossing our lives?

I don't have any answers. And even though I scour the notes sent to me from his friends and acquaintences, the reality is, I may never know. Maybe that is the most frustrating part - not knowing. I hadn't spoken to Joe in quite some time, and in fact didn't know a lot about what was going on with him. Perhaps I should have called more often, or perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Today, in this moment, all I can do is pray for healing for his family. And today, I can tell you a really funny story about my friend, Joe Kelly from Ireland. Today, I will choose to stop being angry with him, and I will be at peace that the hurt he was feeling is over, and mostly, I will thank God that he brought him into my life.